Sunday, August 2, 2009

Feeling Different

I don't feel much different from this:

but I have felt different lately. There was some drama going on in different areas of my life that effected me. Growing up there was a lot of real and pretend drama and I did not know how to survive without it. Even in college I still created drama. When Roger and I married, I swore off drama and for the most part that has been successful. So when drama came from different angles, I wanted to run far far away. Instead I dealt with it the best I know and became a peacemaker as best I could even though I was standing ground on my convictions. Vague enough? I don't like drama. Roger says that makes me more mature. Imagine, me mature. You are laughing aren't you?

Something else seems different too. I am feeling less able to express myself through words, spoken and written. I am less willing to say much for fear of sounding like a big dork. I wonder if I have always sounded like a dork and did not know it and am just now realizing it or if I have digressed with time. Its not that I am not talking as much as usual. Its more in writing, speaking to large groups, or when there is something really important to say.

Also, I reached a point of feeling like I was drowning this last week. Hero Camp took everything I had two weeks ago, then I came down with a cold and Levi came down with roseola this last week. There were days where I held him all day and he woke up every 2 hours at night. The big kids still needed to do things active and engaging and the house was out of order for me. I did not know how I was going to do anything. One night in the middle of it, the Bishop knocked on the door. I am so relieved to say no kids were fighting, the house was descent(except for the dinner dishes and the little piles I had not been able to clean up yet) and we were reading scriptures. Yep! What better thing to be doing when the Bishop comes in. It made me think about how the important things were happening in our home. Unfortunatly, it did not help wth the drowning feeling. Some of you know what is helpomg. The rest of you will find out later.

Thanks for listening- I needed it.


Melissa said...

Your hair is adorable!

I know the drowning feeling, I've had had it after each of my kids, that is a big reason why I only have two. As long as you are doing what is right, which you certainly are, everything will work out. But I know it is hard. I will keep you in my prayers...

emH said...

You did manage to loose me there. I'm so removed from everything, and the snippets of life at your house I know are small and incomplete. So... I absolutely love your hair. I'm so relieved Levi just had Roselia, nothing worse. I'm glad you have a week to be with a little less of everything (its good you've had the time to vent like this. Its been a very long time.) And whatever other dramas may be keeping your life out of sync, I know you'll survive them, even gracefully. You're loved.

Jenn said...

You are so beautiful, even when you are drowning in life. Your picture proves it, Hot Mamma Hair Cut! And your words prove it. How is it that we keep a float?...Faith that the sun will rise tomorrow so you get another chance to tackle the day. Faith that your children love you so in all the craziness you can be graced with a kiss. Faith in opposition so that you can appreciate the sweet after surviving the bitter. I think I have been there, or at least some where close. You are stronger than I am so I know you will soon rise above the water and take a huge breathe of fresh wonderful air. And then life will be sweeter and you will be stonger than before. I love you.

Joni said...

I love you and I miss your smiling face at church. Live each day - the dishes will keep until later...enjoy each passing moment with your kids. They do grow up and make grandbabies. Love the new haircut, I'm tempted. As far as projects, you will find time. You are a wonderful daughter of Zion. Have fresh courage! The baby blues will go away. Check out this video, it will warm your heart!

Molly said...

i love your hair!! and no, im not laughing. im smiling because you're awesome.