16, 32, 48

Yesterday was my 32 birthday. When Roj and I went to bed, he came in and snuggled close and fell asleep within seconds. Close as in arm under my pillow and breathing on my neck. I can't fall asleep that close and in fact, we have a King size bed because I can't sleep being close. I can handle hand holding and that is about it. I thought, good grief, I am 32 years old today and maybe from here on out I can sleep cuddling. Why not? That made me start thinking about being 32 and how that may be 1/3 of my life if I take after my mom's side of the family. Only 1/3!!

That made me start thinking about 1/2 of my life ago because there is no point in thinking about 32 years ago. I can't remember that. At 16, I did the normal things. I started "dating" and driving. I lived in a home with my mom, stepdad, 1 bio brother and sister, and 5 step siblings. I shared a room with one sister and we were really close. I had my own cat and some fish. I worked as a hostess at Outback Steakhouse. I was in the choir. I ate chicken fried steak everyday at school (and had it for my bday dinner last night). There was always some sort of drama going on.

Thinking back on highschool, I realized I forgot how unpopular I was then. I knew everybody and was friends with everybody but aside from my boyfriend(s) and family, I wasn't real close to anyone. I had a best friend since birth but we were not super super close in public settings. I remember days walking around at lunch not really knowing who to sit with. My best friend had other friends, my siblings had their own friends, even my boyfriend(s) had his own friends. When I did find people to sit with I often felt like an outsider. I dealt with depression.

At the time, if I were asked what I thought life would be like in 16 years, I am sure I would have said married, a bunch of kids, a marine biologist that works with sharks. I fulfilled the most important part of that and am living a life I always thought I would.

16 years is so long ago and so much has happened for bad and good. My sister died. That was never supposed to happen. Sorry, did I really just go there. I will stop. I never meant for this to be a sad post. I don't have a sad life. I have a great life with an awesome husband and amazing kids.

Life changed when I went to college. No one knew I was a dud in highschool and I became more popular. I had a lot of fun and went even overboard Freshman year. I am not proud of who I was then either.

I started liking myself after getting married and having kids. I finally felt like I knew who I was and what my role in life should be. I became even more confidant in myself and even liked myself.

When I moved to Irvine, I had it all. Great family, great friends, great hobbies, great self esteem. I was never happier. Rory asked me yesterday what my worst year was and I answered quickly 7th grade. She asked me what my favorite year was and I took some time and answered 2008. Life was calm, peaceful, and fun. I felt loved all around the board.

See why it was so sad to leave Irvine? I know life will be great here too I am sure but Irvine was where I found happiness and fulfillment.

I can't imagine the next 16 years having as much change as the last and I don't want it to.

I fell asleep in Roger's arms last night and I might do it again sometime.